The roller coaster rides on

We live our lives on a reasonably even keel. There is only the two of us, and our dog but life is ok, good even. We have fun, we go on holiday and all the while we miss Paul. Sometimes the emotion is absolutely overwhelming. I had expected it to get easier, and it has in that the strong waves of emotion that cause me to cry are not as frequent but are just as strong when they do come. Generally in the evening when no one’s around, it’s funny how we don’t like people to see us cry.

We are moving house and it is the right decision but I am having to pack up his suits and other clothes and it’s tough, really tough. Not something I discuss with others as people think you “get over it” after this time. I can honestly say, Paul’s death is not something I will ever get over, but I will still live my life to the fullest, I have to for Kate, for me and my family.

We had another blip on the roller coaster ride last week. Mum has ovarian cancer. That’s the third now in the family: brother, husband and now mum. Operation soon and we are keeping positive that they can get it all out.

Life is hectic but someone pointed out recently that I do it to stop myself thinking, they are probably right. I just want to see Paul and have another hug. He would be proud of the girl Kate is and that makes me sad. She is currently having a sugar free month to raise money for cancer research, all her idea, I am incredibly proud of her.

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8 months and counting

So what have I learnt in the last 8 months?

– Keeping busy and not allowing yourself to think only keeps the grief at bay so long
– I can do this, I can bring up Kate on my own and mow the lawn and sort out the car insurance, I just don’t want to
– my mum and sister are my support crew and I couldn’t do without them
– grief doesn’t get any easier it actually gets slowly harder and harder
– people have been lovely, supportive and some surprisingly so but I miss Paul, I miss the hugs, the laughter, the good advice
– the house is a surprising comfort, memories are happy here
– my sister-in-law was right, the grief started when Paul was diagnosed as we knew it was just a matter of time, we just thought the time was longer

Kate and I are doing ok, she gets sad at times but talks to me about it. I am lucky in the friends and family I have.

I miss him